By EWAN KENNEDY
4 June 2007

I don’t like being nagged. No self respecting man does and having been married for many years I've learned to develop the self-preservation instincts to minimise it. The dreaded nagging can’t be cut out completely of course, but on the whole I reckon I’m pretty good at staying out of trouble.

Then there are the cats, while beautifully peaceful and affectionate most of the time, they give me a long, loud nag twice a day when they feel they are about the starve to death.

Now cars are nagging me as well. I love my cars almost as much as my wife (and the kids and grandkids, not to forget the cats) but some cars I've road tested recently have been driving me to distraction.

I've no problem with a car sounding a warning when I've forgotten to turn off the headlights, left the keys in the ignition or made a similar mistake. Indeed, I appreciate the car’s concern for my well being and I am certainly silly enough to need warnings from time to time.

But it would be best if the car could give a gentle warning, say two or three dings of a bell or beeps of a buzzer, then shut up. After all my hands may be busy with something else so can’t take instant action the moment my misdeed has been noisily pointed out.

Some cars in the early days of warning buzzers only sounded the alarm once, and did so in a friendly manner. Almost like a good manservant giving a quiet cough to call the master’s attention to a minor indiscretion. BMWs were particularly praiseworthy when it came to the etiquette of subtle driver warning.

But no longer. The Japanese started the rot years ago when they installed warnings that sounded as though they would go on forever. Probably until the battery went flat about the middle of the next week, but I was never game enough to put that to the test.

The worst of all are the new generation of safety belt reminders. I've just stepped out of a couple of Jeeps that have the most raucous, irritating sound I've ever heard. This isn’t a polite admonition, this is full-on nagging of the most infuriating kind. And it seems to get louder the longer you ignore it.

In fact, it’s so loud that I fear for my hearing every time it goes off. I presume Jeep's legal department has looked into the matter and the horrible screech meets all aural safety requirements. If not, perhaps the first couple of instances of huge compensation payouts to drivers suffering deafness caused by a car’s warning system will bring the matter to a head.

Please note that I would not dream of driving a car without a safety belt. I've been using them for over 40 years now, first doing so back in the distant days when unbelievers felt safety belts were dangerous and you were better to be thrown clear of a car in a crash (I’m not making this up!). Trust me, I never, ever, drive without them.

But there are times when I shuttle a car in or out of a garage or move it around at a photographic location and the constant nagging from the car almost has me putting on the safety belt just to retain my sanity.

I know that there are slack people who believe they will never need a safety belt, thinking they are superb drivers with lightening fast reflexes. But why do I have to be incessantly nagged to wear the belt just because some fools refuse to do so?

As a side issue; I don’t have a problem with idiots who refuse to wear safety belts. With a bit of luck they will be removed from the gene pool by a car crash before they have a chance to reproduce. A harsh attitude? Perhaps, but I’m sure Charles Darwin would approve.

PS: We bought a new microwave oven the other day – and it’s started to nag me as well! Perhaps earplugs are the answer …

ewan@marque.com.au